Everynight I go to bed and tell myself that tomorrow I will cherish my children, answer all their questions without once losing my patience and shower them with love and affection. And every night at around 5pm I find myself struggling to control my wafer thin temper and fight the sheer exhaustion that threatens to overcome me. I turn into a horrible, short tempered, yelling, angry Mummy. I hate it and I hate myself for being it. Then at the end of the day, when my gorgeous children are sleeping, I kiss their eyelids, hug them tightly, fight back my tears as I put them into their cofmy beds and swear tomorrow will be different.
Tomorrow I will be a better Mum. Tomorrow I will NOT lose my temper because you called out 'Muuuuum' for the 4,000th time in the space of 2 hours. Tomorrow I will NOT lose my temper because you spilt milk on the carpet. Tomorrow I will NOT yell at you for making a mess in my recently tidied loungeroom (because I only have 1 day off a week and that day is spent - not entertaining and enjoying my kids - but tidying the house around them). Tomorrow I will NOT rush you past the stupid ride in the shopping centre, tomorrow I'll stand there for an extra 3 minutes so you can sit next to a plastic big bird and smile.
Tomorrow is another day. Tomorrow is Wednesday. Tomorrow I am NOT going to clean the house. Tomorrow I AM going to enjoy my kids. Tomorrow I will be a better Mother.
It's easy to pick out the best parts of the day, to re-live the bits that make you feel good. To gloss over the fact that you yelled at your kids for, well, no good reason really apart from being frustrated. What's hard is to admit that you didn't do a particularly good job today. To admit to your mistakes. To say out loud that you think you need to pull your socks up.... Even if no one reads this, at least I've said it to myself.
******
Thankfully that wasn't my day today. Today Harry was sick and I stayed home with her. Nothing too serious, just teething. She was uncomfortable and just wanted to be held. So that's what I did. I held her. For 2 hours I cuddled her on the couch until she fell asleep in my arms. I spent more time today sitting with my girl than I have in weeks, and I liked it. I didn't do the laundry. I didn't do the dishes. I didn't tidy up our bedroom. I just sat there and kissed her little head. Soon she will be too big for that, and I don't want to miss any opportunities!
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