A Child Lost

It's been a traumatic few weeks. Unbelievable and unimaginable things have happened. Horrible, unjust and shattering things.

How do you justify the loss or death of a child? You simply can't. There are things that just shouldn't happen in this world, and a mother losing a child is one of them.

My dear friend has suffered such fate only 3 weeks ago. It was a twist in our pregnancy journey no one saw coming. We were happily walking down our paths to parenthood for the second time, enjoying and complaining about the trials and tribulations of pregnancy.

I'd been at the hosptial for a midwife check up the day before, and kept an eye out for my friend, as I knew she had an appointment around the same time. Miss Moo and I watched while we waited but we were not rewarded with her presence.

I was taking Miss Moo to see her Nanna in the morning, and stopped over to see my dear neighbour and friend late in the evening. Her daughter was sleeping and her husband was busying himself removing Christmas decorations.

We had a quiet chat in her loungeroom that was so removed from our normal discussions it's left an imprnt on my mind. So quite was her house, so strange was her demeanour, so timid was I in my response, I wonder if we both didn't already know what lie ahead?

3 times during our conversation on that warm night she mentioned her fear of stillbirth. Like most mothers and expectant mothers, I pushed it to the side, not wanting to give it any attention. It simply doesn't happen, and it doesn't happen to people like US. No. It's all fine. Everything will be fine.

I told myself that as I got into bed, and I reaffirmed myself that constantly during the next day. I knew she was going back to the hospital to check her blood test results in the morning, and I was expecting a phone call to say her levels had skyrocketed and they had performed an emergency ceasarean and she was now the proud mummy of a little boy.

When I got a message to call her back, I was surprised to hear her sounding beyond exhausted, and perhaps a little upset??

Wow, I thought, we have a baby already??? That was fast! I grabbed the phone and rang her back. No answer. Typial, she never gets to the phone in time. But, she'll be busying herself over Luca by now, so she'll call back when she gets the chance.

Not long after my phone rang and her familiar name flashed up on my screen. "Hi! How are you?" (I love talking to her on the phone, she practically sings she's always that happy).

Silence.

"We've had some bad news"

"Oh?" - They did a ceasarean, she'll be spewing!

"The baby died"

How the hell do you respond to that? There were no words, there was no comfort I could offer, there was nothing I could give to take the pain away, to give back her beautiful boy, to make it all right. It's wrong, so wrong. Wrong it hurts, aches, pains.

I could say nothing apart from I'm sorry.

How could this happen? Yesterday she was pregnant, we were pregnant together. Now she has an empty belly, flat breasts and no son to welcome home. Their first born son, taken away, so close to coming home and yet so far. 35 weeks is a long time to be pregnant. Its' a long time to lug around a big tummy, to bond with your unborn child, to plan for the future. In a second, it's all taken away.

How do I support my poor dear friend, when I must be a constant reminder to what she's lost?? I fear my friendship is going to break her in half! What a horrible reminder to be faced with. Why her and not me? Why her FULL STOP. It's simply not fair. He should be here, living and breathing, cooing at his big sister and looking lovingly into his Mummy and Daddy's face. Keeping them up all night, poo-ing all over the place and generally being the sleep depriving beings newborns are.

But he's not. And we'll forever be lost at his loss.

Now my delightful friend has an emptiness about her. Tired eyes. She smiles, but it's only on the surface. I can't imagine the pain she is going through. It still hurts my throat to think about it. In a way, her loss is mine too.

It's unimaginable, unbelievable, horrible, unjust and shattering.

To think some people can bring about the demise of their own children. To use their hands to extinguish one of their own. Their flesh and blood, their love and their life. It's too horrible to even comprehend!

Another life lost, another child gone. A father - her own father - took his little girl and caused her death. A horrible death, I it makes me sick to think about her last moments. Did she know? Was she aware what was happening? Was she scared when he put her over the rails of the bridge?

How could he???

Last night, in the stinking Melbourne weather, we set up camp in our back yard. My little girl asked if she could sleep with me. I was almost glad. It would be my pleasure. She never left my side, and my touch on her was constant. CONSTANT. I did not want to let her go.

If I close my eyes, I see that little girl. That little girl lost was my girl. Curly blonde hair and chubby fingers. Skinny bandy legs and a little pot tummy. Big blue eyes staring back at me, asking me 'Why?'.

Sometimes the pain this world inflicts is too much to withstand.